Success

I came in fourth.

I'm proud of myself.

Waiting for results

Ah, waiting for my exam results...The familiar excitement building inside of me, the breathless adrenaline high, the fear of letdown and the subsequent throw-back to normal life, vacations and no deadline.
I want to pass, but I also want to pass well. I'm a competitive lady, aren't I? Considering my impaired preparation to the exam, I should be pleased just to pass, but I can't help it, I'm starting to wonder how I will feel if I don't shine at all. Only 4 hours left before I know, in any case.

Time to pretend

I've just finished my exams. Only two weeks before I get the results and move on for good. This school year will be wrapped up and forgotten like all the previous ones, and my heart will sometimes turn over itself when I remember the funny and the annoying, the trivial and the serious.
I'll probably have to return to Lyon a couple of times next year since my thesis supervisor will be there. I've been doing very well for the most part, watching lots of crap movies with my sister and trying to plan a fun travel summer, with amazing stops to Germany and Belgium, museums, exercise and delicious bretzels.

My ex is currently having a drink with my mother.

Seeing him in my house was strangely disruptive, so I'll blog a bit, forget a lot, and forget even more than a lot. Repeat and rinse, repeat and rinse.

Clearing stuff away

Tidying my room...
I have a room just under the roofs, with my own bathroom and a piano. I have most of my art on the wall, mostly XIXth century engravings and a few reproductions, but also gifts from my sister and neighbour, talented artists. I have a bedside table, which I should replenish with single girl fun stuff (but only after my devout Muslim friend N comes for a visit...) and books everywhere, but no longer on the floor. My desk is empty of crap, and I've stored all the funny, romantic letters and postcards I've gotten along the way in a box at the bottom of a cupboard, to read when I'm ready.
I feel so much better.

My most precious item is probably my inflatable moose head, which has followed me from Chicago to Paris, and hopefully to Berlin. And next to it there is the letter S, spray-painted blue with my ex at a time where I was pretty blue, and my father was dying in the hospital. I'd get hopped up on sleeping pills and try to jump on X and fall asleep in the middle of it.

See! I'm laughing about all these memories.

My first boyfriend never spent any time at my place, because he felt uncomfortable here. So no memories there.

Here's to a year of good living, money saving for travel and happy studies.

I want it back

My life, that is.
I want my appetite back. I want my laughter back. I want everything that made me happy back. I can't believe how distraught I am by my breakup. I know we are done, I am not in denial, so why am I not moving on in my head?
I need help here. My friends are busy, my family is nice but I have bugged them enough. How can I go on with my oral exams in 5 days???

Breathe.

My grandmother is dying. She is old, so her cancer could kill her slowly, or fast. She was telling me how each day is precious. I should live like that.

I don't need X to live, but our love gave me so much strength, so much confidence in the world. His cleverness lit up my world. His smile made me melt with desire and trust. He pushed me harder than anyone...and hugged me longer than anyone.

I'm tired of all this pain. I want to heal, but I'm still in love, still miserable, still lost.
Is it normal to be this sad?

Leaving

I'm leaving Lyon tomorrow for good. I'll come back a few times to pick up my stuff and handle electricity and internet questions, but I won't be coming back to my house, my place. It will be his.

Dear X,

I love you. I love you with all my heart. I wish you the best, everything you want, and I am so grateful for the happiness we've shared. I will miss you.
I hope we will find a way to be good friends to each other, and that I will get over you soon. It's difficult to force yourself to stop loving someone, but when they don't love you back, it's pointless to stay fixated on the past. I will move on, but first, contrary to you, I need to mourn what we had to do so. Everybody does it his or her way, isn't that true? While you need to see other girls and have casual sex, I need to DO stuff. Write, read, be productive.

You still care for me. We get along so well. Sometimes this breakup makes little sense to me, and then I remember your words: "the passion is gone", "I'm not happy with you."You've made a choice and it will make you happier.

Love,

Sa

End of the week

Only a few more days before I leave this town. Work, music, work. I am happier than I have been in weeks, my heart no longer heavy, my appetite coming back, the world making sense.