Jealous

I come from jealous stock. Some people in my family, most notably my mother, are intensely jealous. It's not an emotion I feel very often. As a child, I was jealous of the attention my sister got, like many children, I suppose. As a teenager, I felt jealous of people who had friends. Now I sometimes feel a twinge of envy when people go on awesome vacations. But it's not much to write home about.

Both of my ex-boyfriends were/still are flirtatious, attractive men who were surrounded by women a lot of the time. Some of whom were trying to go out with them. This never made me particularly jealous. And then X actually did more than flirting with one of his groupies.

And I felt so jealous. I suddenly realized what jealous meant. And I hated it!

Jealousy is one of the most pointless emotions I can think of. It brings you nothing but pain. Sometimes I remember in a flash of horror just how bad I felt. How eaten up. How wrecked.

And you never know when it may come again.

Catharsis

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside

Shopping for cereal in Parisian supermarket with my father. I'm ok. Haven't cried for a while. Thinking about work and practical things. Then I see the underwear section and it starts.

I see her, in her underwear, smiling at him while he says "Spread'em".
I see him fucking her.
I see them having small talk.
And I leave the supermarket, and I retch, can't be sick, haven't eaten yet...I hear all the things he's said about her, about them, all the times he was with her when I was so unhappy, dying of loneliness while trying to keep it together for the agregation...I wonder time and time again, while jerking with the violence of my reaction, how he could do this, how, how, how.
I retch in a corner, until I am empty of her, until I can breathe, until my brain is submerged by something else.
My body, so filled with longing, is once more dumb and hostile to me. I drag it back to the cereal aisle.
I want to be a Killer sometimes.

Why?

Why are you breaking my heart in the most painful way?
Why are you destroying my beautiful memories by forcing on me the image of damn idiot E, who is nothing compared to Yelena or any number of your friends? Is it because she looks like your ex? Is it because she's young and immature? Is it simply because it's easy?
Couldn't you wait a few days for me to move out, couldn't you spare me the anguish and self-loathing?
Couldn't you choose someone valuable to be my successor?

Leaving

I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow, to spend the better part of the week with my parents and sister. I can't wait to leave Lyon and not see X for some time. I really need a new living arrangement, because seeing him all the time is difficult and painful, not to speak of jealousy and anger issues. In time, I will stop his Rebound Fuck from invading my assessment of our relationship, what I did right, what he did right, where it went wrong.
I want some distance in order to achieve happiness sooner, and I need to work.
Here's to hope!