The forbidden word

The French don't talk about money, as a rule. I remember when I lived in America, being shocked at how easy it was to casually refer to your salary, or talk about money problems. Jokes about mortgages. Paying for the kids' education.

I haven't been brought up that way. We always laughed at my sister who was inquisitive as a child, wondering what job would get you what kind of wages. In retrospect, I don't understand why we discouraged her. It's certainly rude to ask people point-blank what kind of money they make, but is it wrong to be curious about it?

Money. Cash. Moolah.

My parents are pretty bad with money, but then they don't really care. My father is certainly the worst person with money I know. Unfortunately I'm a close second.

My short stint in the Catholic Church could be to blame; or maybe chalk it up to bad parental example, (though my sister disproves both theories): I tend to ascribe my unthrifty ways to lazyness and fear of being selfish. I've had such an enchanted, easy life, that it seems churlish not to give money to charities, buy drinks for students who have a hard time ending the month, and of course there are all the silly purchases that add up. My book habit. My obsession with asos.com. Shoes.

I've decided that it's time to care about money. It won't be fun to keep track of everything I spend, but it's necessary. I'm tired of being irresponsible about money, because there's nothing carefree about being stupid financially. I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm making a budget and sticking to it.

Any tips for this financially clueless girl? Are you money-savvy? Do you give to charities?

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling a bit weird. I'm allergic to pollen, so this season is a bit trying to me. I'm depressed, for reasons that I can't really get into, because there are no real reasons.

Sometimes I feel like such a burden to the people around me. Help me. Listen to me. How often can you hear that without feeling overwhelmed? After all, it's my life, not theirs. I'm the one meant to figure stuff out.

In a perfect world, everyone would be honest. Or at least a bit. They would tell you that they are busy when they just can't take your drama anymore. So you could always be sure of when you are annoying them or not. You wouldn't have to guess all the time. I'm not afraid of rejection as much as I am afraid of mute boredom and annoyance.

I hate bothering people but I'm convinced I do it all the time.

Jealous

I come from jealous stock. Some people in my family, most notably my mother, are intensely jealous. It's not an emotion I feel very often. As a child, I was jealous of the attention my sister got, like many children, I suppose. As a teenager, I felt jealous of people who had friends. Now I sometimes feel a twinge of envy when people go on awesome vacations. But it's not much to write home about.

Both of my ex-boyfriends were/still are flirtatious, attractive men who were surrounded by women a lot of the time. Some of whom were trying to go out with them. This never made me particularly jealous. And then X actually did more than flirting with one of his groupies.

And I felt so jealous. I suddenly realized what jealous meant. And I hated it!

Jealousy is one of the most pointless emotions I can think of. It brings you nothing but pain. Sometimes I remember in a flash of horror just how bad I felt. How eaten up. How wrecked.

And you never know when it may come again.

loving my flaws

I used to think that lying to people would make them love me.

I used to think that I could have anything I wanted, as long as I really wanted it.

I used to think that love was enough.

It's always more complicated than it looks.

What I find most hard about growing up is accepting that things are not always someone's fault. It's not enough to attribute blame, you have to fix the situation regardless of who is guilty.

I believe that one of our biggest fears, in general, is that people will stop loving us because of our flaws. As soon as they get close enough, they will be afraid and leave.

What I am trying to say is this: I'm not thinking so far ahead anymore. Yes, some people will never get past some of my flaws. Our faults are just not compatible. That is perfectly fine. Painful, but fine. I can't live my life waiting for people to be disappointed.

Because I don't spend my time expecting to be disappointed by others.