raining all the time

Don't know why
There's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together
Keeps raining all the time...

I love that song, especially sung by Lena Horne.

RAIN RAIN RAIN.

Random news and bits and pieces:

Only 5 weeks left in Berlin then I'm going back home...It went by really fast. Now I have guests every weekend, will try to keep up with my friendships here and a lot of lobbying work to do. We shall see.

Planning to spend NYE in Venice. I never celebrate NYE, being so stuffed at Christmas I need a week to recover from indigestion. My grandmother was always the soul of Christmas for me, so this year should be very different, and quite sad. Maybe I should start celebrating NYE!

My grandfather is not doing well at all. My mother is not sure he will still be with us in November, but if he is, I will probably go to London to help take care of him or do daily visits at the hospital. I hope I will see him. I have great affection for him.

I'm looking for good American fiction to read, can anyone recommend something contemporary?

And with this, I go forth through the rain.

talky talky

X is lost, I can feel it. He's unhappy with his work.
Yelena's gone, and music was his one solace that kept away from him the realization that perhaps he was not a chemist. Not a research one at any rate.
I would like to talk to him about that...How I wonder if he fell for Rebound Fuck because she's young and easily bossed around, and gives him the impression that he is a star again.
I wish he had realized that he was mine, that I would have been proud of him no matter what.
I wish I could help him, but he can only help himself and stop wasting his time as well as everyone else's.
Come on, X. Kick your own ass, since I can't do it for you.

Catharsis

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr Brightside

Shopping for cereal in Parisian supermarket with my father. I'm ok. Haven't cried for a while. Thinking about work and practical things. Then I see the underwear section and it starts.

I see her, in her underwear, smiling at him while he says "Spread'em".
I see him fucking her.
I see them having small talk.
And I leave the supermarket, and I retch, can't be sick, haven't eaten yet...I hear all the things he's said about her, about them, all the times he was with her when I was so unhappy, dying of loneliness while trying to keep it together for the agregation...I wonder time and time again, while jerking with the violence of my reaction, how he could do this, how, how, how.
I retch in a corner, until I am empty of her, until I can breathe, until my brain is submerged by something else.
My body, so filled with longing, is once more dumb and hostile to me. I drag it back to the cereal aisle.
I want to be a Killer sometimes.

Leaving

I'm leaving for Paris tomorrow, to spend the better part of the week with my parents and sister. I can't wait to leave Lyon and not see X for some time. I really need a new living arrangement, because seeing him all the time is difficult and painful, not to speak of jealousy and anger issues. In time, I will stop his Rebound Fuck from invading my assessment of our relationship, what I did right, what he did right, where it went wrong.
I want some distance in order to achieve happiness sooner, and I need to work.
Here's to hope!