Playing it casual

"Can I bring a teapot next time I come? I really need tea in the morning."
He laughs at me.
"Why don't we take this slowly? Bring a saucer.I don't want you to think that we're going out or anything. Don't get too involved, Sara."

We joke about it but I am super nervous. I've never played it casual before.

I've always fallen in love before becoming someone's girlfriend.

I've never had a one-night stand. I'm a serial monogamist!

This guy is so relaxed about everything. I tell him what the situation is at the moment, not looking for anything serious, not wanting a "relationship", all that jazz. He just takes it all calmly and tells me to take things one day at a time.

"Just tell me when you feel uncomfortable and we can scale things down."

Which is terrific advice and I know I shouldn't overthink this. Yet...
I'm terrified of getting back into the mess I've just extricated myself from; the passionate love story that ends with someone feeling that I'm too complicated and difficult to deal with. I need some time outfrom all the compromises, and talks that come with coupledom. Where is this going? Am I giving enough? Am I taking enough? No more for some time, please.

I was at his place. He was cooking for me, as we chatted about this and that. I looked up at him shyly, hoping this is the right way of saying it, the right time, the right thing to do.

"Sorry I didn't answer yesterday. I was feeling very depressed and I tend to crawl into a hole."
"Do you get depressed often?"

Deep breath.

"Hmm. I do actually."
"Well, next time I call and you're not feeling so good, why don't you tell me what I can do to help? Maybe talking to someone would make it easier."

And there it is. That moment. The moment when I wonder. Now he's nice about it, but who's to tell when it will irremediably put him off? And anyway, where is this going? Am I casual enough? I don't want a therapist. I want a friend with benefits! Shut up head.

I'm not convinced I'm good at this casual game.

Taking a break

I need a break from myself these days. I mean, I went to pick up my cell phone from the lost and found place at the opera house this morning and I managed to lose my wallet on the way.

Great. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself something? (or as my sister says I should just close my handbag better).


It hits sometimes: this need to change, to take on big tasks, big events, momentous things. It can be expressed in physical alterations: the red hair came after the break-up, and I like it, so it's stayed, even though the meaning of it has evolved. It used to be a big Leave me alone sign. Now I just think it suits me.

I feel it coming, this new wave of change. I'm looking forward to new music listening (thanks for the recommendations by the way), and to new authors. I started wearing dresses in September.I never used to.

So when I knew I would have to take a three-week break from training because of asthma, I decided I was going to do it.

Most people don't like it.

Funny how I don't care. Funny how I like it, and how it's my own promise to myself.

I wonder where I'm going, but I'm shedding old memories and dreams, and my newness is startling and wonderful.

All I need to do now is stop losing all my frakking stuff!

Singledom, swingers and cultural differences.

I am wary of general statements, expecially concerning America. I lived in the Midwest for a year, but apart from that I have no idea about how most of Americans live. Yet when I was in Chicago, I was flabbergasted by some of the things I learnt there.

So, dating. In France, we know about American dating, but we don't understand it. To us, when you date someone, unless you discuss it beforehand, it's understood that it's exclusive. Even in the tentative first weeks. Once you've slept together, if you decide to continue to see each other, you are considered to be a couple. These are general guidelines.

In America, people seemed to be OK with seeing more than one person at a time. Going to movies, having dinner, all that stuff. It was completely foreign to me. In the same way, casual sex is far less taboo for Americans than for us.Naturally it happens, but you wouldn't discuss it with your girlfriends. It's not something to celebrate, or to bemoan, it's a fact of life.

So when you say you are "single", this is French for "celibate". In America, "single" could mean celibate, but it could also mean other things, like "enjoying life".

So when I am asked if I have a boyfriend and I answer that I'm single, I get pitying glances from the French (because it means I now lead an immaculate life) and high fives from the Americans in my study program. The reactions go from "I'm sure there's the right guy out there for you..." to "Go get 'em girl."

I am amused by this. I find it funny that French people, with the most ouh la la reputation in the world, are so much more prudish than puritanical America.

I read blogs written by swingers, and I'm also struck by the difference in mentality. In Paris, we have many famous swinger clubs. Famous people are outspoken about their swinging habits. It's not a big deal.

So I guess we are more comfortable with cheating politicians and swingers, but less with the idea of American dating.

Funny, no?