Before Copenhague

I don't talk much about my environmental concerns. First of all, I don't believe in preaching. If anyone is interested and wants to ask me a few questions, I'll buy them coffee gladly. But I won't bother people who don't care.

However, I would like to say a few words about the environment before the summit on climate change in Copenhague. This is what I'm studying after all.

1°Climate change is happening. Whether you believe that scientists worldwide are conspiring together to destroy capitalism or that man is the origin of 100% of global warming, that doesn't change facts. The earth is getting warmer.

2°We don't know what that means. Anyone who tells you that we have scientific proof about the consequences of global warming is lying. Scientists can make projections and there are a few things that seem statistically probable like sea levels rising etc. But these models remain models. Some are very optimistic, some are very pessimistic. In the end, we have no certainties.

3°Something is certain though: Western countries are not going to suffer as much as developping countries. We're talking overpopulation, droughts, famine, disease here. I'm not judging people's habits: we could all be more environmentally friendly, or frugal. I'm just saying: why do I deserve a better life than someone in THailand or in Sudan?

4°There is something you can do: get informed. Sure, if every American car respected European regulations you would save the equivalent of enough energy for 1 billion people in developping countries. Sure, eating less meat, eating local, using energy-saving light bulbs are good ideas. But there is no black or white: doing these things does not mean you are a "good" person. Sometimes environmental behaviour is counter-intuitive: if you stop drinking coffee because coffee cultivation is the cause of so much deforestation, you are also depriving developping countries of a chance to offer a better life for their people. It's not simple. But read about it. Read conflicting opinions. Ignorance is never the right choice.

Nothing is going to be decided in Copenhague. Why? Because China and India won't reduce their carbon emissions unless the US does as well. And do you think the US congress will vote such an unpopular reform anytime soon? Maybe if people petitionned their representatives, but I'm not seeing that happening either. In France President Sarkozy wants us to pay a carbon tax and no one is happy about that either.

I truly believe there are ways to make changes without coercion or treating people like stupid children. That talking honestly, without scare-mongering tactics, is the best policy. We've all seen pictures of polar bears dying or of children in Africa eating mud because water supplies are polluted or dried up. Newsweek is full of them. I'll see them, feel terrible, and go on with my life. Emotional blackmail is no way to change the world.


I'll get off my soapbox now. But if anyone has any questions, coffee's on me...

Growing up

Several times, X has referred to our past relationship as his first "grown-up" one. Having only little insight on his previous relationships, I have no idea if this is true. I think I have grown up while we were together. I know loving him has made so much more aware of what I want in myself, and yes, of what I want in my friends too.
Why is it difficult to shed our old skins?
I laugh and banter with him, and I feel no pain yet. He does not love me and I am not shattered. Yes, the world is infinitely different now that I have no one in particular to share it with. But I no longer wish for a different outcome. I am happy with myself, and there will be good days, bad days, perfect moments and distressing anguish.
All in all, a life worth living.
I smile at him this morning during the concert. I wonder how he feels during Kodaly, and I enjoy my own enjoyment. Suddenly I no longer care.
I like it.
I walk back home in heels.
The scent of his skin. The weight of him on me. The colour of his eyes, crinkling up when he smiles up at me. Over.
My tenderness for him. Our complicity. Our senses of humour. His new life and future battles. Yes, I'll be in the sidelines, and someone else will be the sweetheart, the ferret, the beautiful girl, but I will be cheering all the same, so he gets what he fights for.
And now I must work.

Good

X and I had a nice talk last night. I managed to let him express himself, as oppposed to the usual sara-crapfest. Holding him, stroking his hair, I felt all the love I have for him become concern, not a selfish concern, but a true one, one made of years of friendship that transcend love and lust. Watching his huddled body, I no longer saw the ghost of Rebound Fuck all over him: he was himself, and I was there, and I felt privilegied to be there for him, to tell him that he needed to reaffirm what he wanted, that he could not get any friends if he didn't know, deep inside, what he wanted to give and how much he wanted to receive.
I have such hopes for him. He is the nicest, most lovable, beautiful man I have known. Right now, before my heart starts breaking again, before my system works overtime to get rid of him, of all the complicated emotions he stirs in my bruised body, I can revel in knowing that maybe one day, in months or in years, we will be there for each other, and be happy for each other, and treasure the secret past without neither hope nor bitterness.
To you, my darling X, I wish everything. But now, it is time for me to build my own protections and to find my own answers, it is time to leave him behind and to forget my pain for hours at a time.
To our future friendship, and to my present happiness.
To the future bonds we will have that will neither hurt nor scar.
And to me.
I'll drink to me this morning, before leaving for a week. Strong, beautiful, clever, resourceful, over-emotional, trick-pony, giggling, short-legged, lopsided-smile, imaginative, clinging me.
Happy recovery, dear girl.