Don't push me

I am polite to the point of absurdity. I've annoyed countless people by over-apologizing, over-thanking, and any other over-politeness you can imagine. A typical exchange would be:

"Sara, can you stop apologizing all the time?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry it bothers you!'

So irritating.

I've been instilled with this since childhood and it's very hard for me to stop these reflexes switching on. It's like helping people carry their luggage in the bus or train: it's something I do because that's the way I should behave. I never question the impulse; I give in to it quietly.

Because of this, many have seen me as a doormat. I've been criticized for being too nice. I'm not nice. I'm polite. It's different. I can be nice, but I keep it for people I care about. I'm polite to everyone.

But underneath this veneer I am, in fact, a very angry person. I hate unfairness. I hate patronizing tones, disrespect, cruelty. It takes everything I have not to blow up when confronted with this in my day-to-day life. I think of my politeness as a protection against my aggressive side.

I treat people with respect. I try to make life a bit easier for everyone by smoothing over the small events of life with kind words and actions. That doesn't make me a good person per se: it makes me a frankly annoying person a lot of the time. However, don't push me. Don't treat me like someone who will accept anything. Because although the surface of the water is unrippled and calm, the turmoil underneath would scare you.

My shrink called me fat

"You know, you have changed a lot in the past two years. The first time you walked into this room you were much thicker than you are now. You have shed your protective layer of fat."

...

"Excuse me?"

"You were obviously protecting yourself from men by being unattractive. Now you are no longer protected by your armour of flesh. You are no longer fat.This means you want to be attractive to men. "

By this time I'm completely amused.

"So now, what am I? Fat, medium, normal?"

"Normal, of course. You're absolutely average."

"So the difference between me being fat and me being average is 15 pounds? Because that's all the weight I lost. Would you really call that a huge difference, for someone who is 5'10? Because it's not. And I don't think you should associate "flesh" with unattractiveness, it's very reductive."

So he told me he was sorry he hurt my feelings. But he didn't. I don't think fat is a bad word, it's a descriptor. I disagree that fat, or flesh, are symptoms of a life less lived, less enjoyed.

Rant

Damn it.
I am so tired of judgemental people.

How do they find the energy? I find it difficult enough to walk around deciding what I want to do, without making to-do lists for every Jack and Sally I meet.

"You should..."
"If I were you..."

If these sentences have not been preceded by "What should I do?"or "Give me some advice, please, oh ye friend of great acument and perception", shove it, stranger. Oh, you say you mean well? Well that makes it dandy, then. I don't know you, you don't know me, so your opinions are entirely relevant to me.

Example:

In the subway. Morning. Grey faces, everyone is tired, someone is listening to their mobile really loudly, and French hip hop is...bad.

Random person: "You shouldn't carry around so many things, it's bad for your back."

....

Thanks? I have seen the light!

This rant includes: people who give unsollicitated advice to pregnant ladies. People who criticize homeless people because they are "lazy" in front of them.

And these are the same people who just sit there and don't move when someone gets physically assaulted because "it's not their business."

I need Alan Rickman to comfort me with his exquisite drawl.




Rant over.

Waiting for results

Ah, waiting for my exam results...The familiar excitement building inside of me, the breathless adrenaline high, the fear of letdown and the subsequent throw-back to normal life, vacations and no deadline.
I want to pass, but I also want to pass well. I'm a competitive lady, aren't I? Considering my impaired preparation to the exam, I should be pleased just to pass, but I can't help it, I'm starting to wonder how I will feel if I don't shine at all. Only 4 hours left before I know, in any case.