Bruises

I'm often covered in bruises. Running cross-country when you fall a lot can create a devilish amount of scratches and blue blotches. Currently I am sporting attractive yellowing marks all over my legs and even my shoulders (damn tree branches).

I still wear skirts. I don't care that people can see my training injuries.

But I feel shy about those other bruises.

It's almost been a year since I started writing here. It's almost been a year since X broke up with me. The bruises are fading, but they are still visible.

The fear that no one will ever love me for who I really am.
The feeling that I'll never be enough.

Recently I was on Facebook and I saw a notification that one of X's closest pals had become FB friends with the Rebound Fuck. My heart stopped. It all came back.

What would help me get over this last hurdle? I wish X would tell me he felt sorry for the way we broke up. I wish he could call me and tell me that part of the end of our relationship was that HE has issues, problems and the like.

I wish he could give me closure.

And he won't.

I've been trying to cover up the bruises. But when it all comes back, with the smell of spring, my face pinker because of the sun, the taste of strawberries, it still hurts.

You can stop loving someone and they still have the power to hurt you.

I am happy. I'm in another relationship. Things are going well for me.

And yet, some of my worst fears have his fingerprints on them.

My Valentine plans

This is a strange time for me; I'm acting so much out of character all the time that I'm coming to doubt that I have a character, or maybe I'm morphing into someone I don't know yet, which isn't bad per se, not at all, just troubling.

I booked two tickets for an all-night dance party in a big industrial space in Paris, on the 13th of February. I love dancing, but I am very, very bad at it. Imagine a 5'10 graham cracker on LSD and you'll have an idea. I hate dancing in front of people, but when I'm in need of some cheering up, it's up with the music and on with the prancing around in my room. Also, most people are shy when it comes to dancing, and rely on chemical components to loosen up. Which for me is totally out of the question.

Well, we're taking this show to the road. We're going to break some moves!
Oh God, I'm so bad at this stuff. I have no game. Why? Why can't I just glide effortlessly on the dance floor, shake those hips and seemlessly weave my magic around my prey? Because I have no coordination, that's what.

And I've invited someone I like to come with me to a 90's Dance Music Rave Party. On Valentine's night.

"What is this thing all about, anyway?"

"We'll dance all night in a warehouse. And I'll be wearing a Spice Girl T-shirt."

Small pause.

"Done."

I like him, I really do.

ps: any dancing tips will be very very appreciated.