Running away

There are days where I run towards things or people. And today I went to my first EVER group run event. I enrolled for the track and field club in my new uni.

I was horribly nervous; I'm not good at sports, never was. Last picked for gym and all that sob stuff. Who cares? New year, new resolution.

We ran 10K as warm-up, did some interval training and then ab exercices. Three hours. I was much slower than anyone else there, but I finished all the same.
So why can't I just feel proud instead of wasting my afternoon? I mean I have lots of work. But I feel depressed and lonely. I feel unfit to belong to this club. I feel that I'll slow everyone down and be an object of scorn or pity. All the procrastinating makes me feel worse. It's a spiral of self-hatred.

Shut up! I want this unproductive rut to cease. SHUT UP, VOICE.

But instead I fantasize about running away from everyone, everything, all my responsabilities, and just get numb again.

In olden days I used to go hug my boyfriend, he would be the voice of reason and of kick-assness.

Now I'm my own coach and sometimes it's rough. But if I manage to get myself out of this mire, all the success will be my own.

talky talky

X is lost, I can feel it. He's unhappy with his work.
Yelena's gone, and music was his one solace that kept away from him the realization that perhaps he was not a chemist. Not a research one at any rate.
I would like to talk to him about that...How I wonder if he fell for Rebound Fuck because she's young and easily bossed around, and gives him the impression that he is a star again.
I wish he had realized that he was mine, that I would have been proud of him no matter what.
I wish I could help him, but he can only help himself and stop wasting his time as well as everyone else's.
Come on, X. Kick your own ass, since I can't do it for you.