up/down

It's been up/down a lot in Saraland. I'm sad half the time and OK the other, angry half the time and indifferent the other, lost half the time and determined the other.
I need help. I need help right now. I feel that I am breaking down so slowly I hardly notice it, that my heart is in such a turmoil it can hardly function. Eating makes me queasy, running makes me dizzy, thinking makes me cry.

X is having dates with our neighbour, dates with his Rebound Fuck, dates with his friends and I feel so lonely and unloved, so useless and stupid, not because of his social life but because I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss being comfortable with him and hate the feeling he gives me at the pit of my stomach. I hate seeing him so gorgeous it makes me want to kiss him, and having nothing more than a pat on the head.

When will this end?

I have the results of my exams tonight and will know if I get to do the orals. Please, O knowledgeable deity from the future, let me get this silly exam so I can move out of my town, away from him and go kick ass under another clime.

I love you. I love you so much. And I will let this go, please.

Please.