Some days I wake up and I can't remember where I am. Last weekend I was in Munich, this week I'm flying to France, to do my presentation on my thesis in Lyon, then going back to Paris for a couple of days. It's going fast. I'm sorry I've been in limbo these past weeks, but I was never quite sure where I was. I wanted to write about the funny things that happen to me all the time here in Germany, but I felt sad and withdrawn; I didn't want to write about this sadness because it will pass, and it hurt to think about it too much. Many people in my family are not well, many things worry me, and I like this blog to be not only doom and gloom, although it often is melodramatic, as befits a Frenchwoman who talks with her hands.
Crossroads. I am deciding my professional future/ do I want to be an academic, with all the freedom that entails? Do I prefer working for a private company and make money, or at least, more? Do I want a quiet life or a busy one?
Where am I?
I wish I could say answers are coming in fast and steady, but it all feels confusing and hard to me. I like permanency, and everybody is changing. Things are moving without me. I want to be able to hold on to a sense of self, of place. I want to wake up and know where I am.
Overdramatic...as usual.
The easiest thing in the world sometimes is just to feel. The warm yield of an apple crumble, the sweetness of grass under my back as I fall asleep, drinking in the last days of summer, the soft skin inside my boyfriend's wrists when we hold hands. These things are easy. These things are now, and gone as soon as they are felt, and no questions needed.
Why isn't it enough, I wonder.
Parallels
Il y a 3 mois
I have opted (or been somewhat forced to opt) for the freedom route over the money-making route. I often wonder 'what if?', though I've thoroughly enjoyed my life over the past 20 years. And I'm constantly told by friends that they wish they could be as carefree as I seem to be. Yes, there's plenty of things that I miss out on, but I've never had them, so I don't miss them.
RépondreSupprimerDo what feels right for you, but try to influence where the chips may fall. Nothing says you can't have the good things in life while still being carefree!
I think we all wish we could have the answers right at us. Just make a list of what is truly important to you - and measure all options against it. For me, I wanted out of the small town midwest. I wanted to be in a city. I wanted certain things in the city. Money isn't everything - so pick the life you want overall. I know - easier said than done, but it's a good way to look at it. Good luck.
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