mardi 1 février 2011

The twisted road

I was finding it hard to write here. My computer got hauled off to undergo repairs. I'm trying to find a way to get my father in a retirement home, against his will pretty much, which does not make you feel like daughter of the year. I would look at my last entries: death, depression. It would make me say that as soon as I had something funny to write, I would do it. But I realize I have to make a habit of it. Because the strange turn of events making 2010/2011 a bad, bad time for my family has just continued impressing me with its motivational anger.

My mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer. DISCLAIMER: It's breast cancer, the most easily taken care of cancer, she's in good hands, it seems that she is OK, it's going to be chemo and an operation and all that, but the doctors have so far been optimistic and kind.

I'm so scared of not being up to the challenge. I sometimes resent the fact my father is always at the hospital or sick. I look at him and think that I want to be alone, not talk to him and have to watch him so diminished. Now my mother is going to be weakened and exhausted and I'm afraid of resenting it in the same way.

Also I feel so guilty all the time. Guilty that I'm trying to put my father in a retirement home because it is hard to care for him, but also because I have so much work and a part of me can just forget. Yes, both my grandparents died in the last six months, my father is still in the hospital and my mother has cancer, but in the end, I think I could get into the mindspace that this is normal. After all, I'm used to being worried.

The worst part of all is thinking about my sister. J and I are incredibly close. We have our own lives, but when things go bad we immediately start working together.
J is in America, miles away, and has to "enjoy" her last college semester while scouting for jobs, knowing that everyone is sick at home...And yet I want to rely on her. I want her support too.

This to say that I have given up on writing when things go well at the moment. This place is a shelter for me, and I need to accept that life can go twisted and dark, and that it doesn't make my blog "boring".

So we all go down the twisted road. I hope I'm a good traveller.

5 commentaires:

  1. Oh, hon. This place is anything you want it to be. Totally regardless of us! This is not a place where you should feel you have to entertain us. We're happy to share whatever you decide to let us know about--good or bad!

    Hugs to you though. Prayers to your parents, and prayers and a few hugs to you and your sister.

  2. I can't even imagine having to manage all that you have on your plate. I wish you well and would give you a hug if I could.

  3. Oh no. God. Will you be in Lyon next week? Really wish I could be with you. Love you dearly. Much, much love to your mum also. When can we talk? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. We are the champions my friend, and we'll keep on fighting 'til the end, we are the champions, we are the champions, no time for losers 'cause we are the champions of the world.

  5. Sara, somehow I've missed all of this--I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts!