lundi 17 août 2009

Musing on age

Waouh, I did have a long vacation from internet and everything. I was in Germany in a work camp near Frankfurt, enjoying the delights of carting around piles of dirt while trying to get my German level up. I was sleeping in a tent, on hay (to which I am allergic), and jogging every morning. I ate loads of food. All in all, a good vacation.

The topic that most occupied my mind, though, was the subject of age. I was among the eldest people in the camp, most were around 18/19, with our youngest at 16. I am 23. I have never thought of myself as old or venerable in the slightest. In fact, after the reeling bruising reality of my breakup, I had not felt such a teenagerish rush of feelings, of resentment, of bad pop music bolstering or upsetting my fragile mindset. After four weeks away from all of it, of listening to actual teenagers bitching about their emotional upheavals, watching them fumbling in the darkness to express their lust for someone else, I definitely realize that I am not old, but too old for this shit. I don't need reassurance or high school cliquerie to feel good about myself.

This was reassuring and sad. I'm relieved that I am done with the part of my life during which I get confused by everything, and insecured by everyone. I am sad that I didn't get any kick from flirting, or dancing, or singing in the way I used to.

When I read blogs such as Britni's (, I feel awed and inspired by her capacity to live out her sexual desires and the ambiguities of feminism and submissiveness. I don't feel that I'm up to owning up who I am in that way. But I'm certainly getting closer to living the life I want for myself. I always knew I didn't need a man to make my life good. But mentoring younger people, dishing out advice and giggling at conundrums made me feel so much better about my own doubts and sadness. I'm still shakily veering into recovery, and some days are bad bad bad. However, I'm growing up well into the person I was always meant to be: "ein strahlendes Mädchen", a glowing, glittering girl.

I just signed up for a year of studying international law and environmental law, and I am STOKED. I feel excited about my studies. And yeah, my heart is cold, and I haven't felt a flitter of desire for the longest time, but I feel like everything is falling back into place.

Oh, and my German is fluent again. That feels nice.

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